How To Know A Person Summary (David Brooks)

David Brooks book How to Know a Person explores the ways people connect and discusses the art of understanding others and yourself.

Brooks masterfully weaves personal anecdotes, philosophical reflections, and psychological insights to guide readers toward more profound empathy and connection.

Through this summary, you’ll discover practical strategies to look beyond superficialities and truly see the people around you.

Learn how to build relationships, understand the human condition, and ultimately, enrich your life.

Part 1: I See You

Chapter 1: The Power Of Being Seen

There are two types of people in a crowd: Diminishers and Illuminators.

• Diminishers make you feel low and unseen. They often undermine your confidence and self-worth, leaving you questioning your abilities and value. Their actions and words can create a toxic environment where negativity thrives
• while Illuminators make you feel special. They recognize and celebrate your strengths, helping you see the best in yourself. They create a positive and supportive atmosphere where you feel encouraged to grow and excel.

Let’s take the case of Jennie Jerome, the mother of Winston Churchill. When she was young, she dined with a British Statesman named William Gladstone. After the dinner, she thought he was the cleverest person in England. Later, when she dined with Benjamin Disraeli, she thought she was the cleverest person in England.

From this, we can conclude that William Gladstone was a Diminisher. He made her feel like she didn’t exist, or at least was unseen. But Benjamin Disraeli, his greatest rival, made her feel the opposite way by giving her the spotlight instead of taking it from hers. He was an Illuminator for her.

Make a conscious effort to recognize and celebrate the strengths and contributions of those around you.

Chapter 2: How Not to See a Person

When you make another person feel like they don’t exist, you are acting as a diminisher, but many reasons prevent you from making them feel special.

Some of them are as follows:

1. Your ego/ egotism
2. Anxiety
3. Being naive
4. Thinking that others have less mind than you.
5. Showing objectivism, i.e., seeing people in a group instead of understanding one person individually.
6. Being an essentialist means knowing only one thing about a person and making further assumptions about them.
7. Having a static mindset means not upgrading your knowledge about a person with time.

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Chapter 3: Illumination

Illumination means sharing moments of patience, honesty, and empathy with the person you are trying to know, but there is one condition to it. To see the person, you must have the eyes of someone who isn’t prejudiced.

Although nobody is totally honest, wicked, emphatic, stupid, or energetic, everyone has a part of something opposite in them. But society always judges us based on the bigger proportion.

For example, if someone is more wicked than kind, society will label them as wicked, ignoring their few good qualities.

Let’s understand it with the story: Margaret was a librarian. To the world, she was a quiet, reserved woman, lost in the world of books. Her life seemed ordinary, even dull. But behind the unassuming exterior was a woman with a rich inner world, filled with passion, dreams, and a deep empathy for others. She found solace in the stories she tended and in the quiet companionship of her readers.

Many saw her as a mere custodian of knowledge, unaware of the emotional intelligence she possessed. To truly know Margaret was to understand the quiet strength in her, the wisdom hidden behind her gentle demeanor. It required patience and a willingness to look beyond the surface, to see the vibrant soul within the quiet librarian.

Chapter 4: Accompaniment

Accompaniment is a way to connect with people and get to know them. Here, the author especially talks about playing. It is not just a verb, but an art that connects us with people without uttering a single word.

The author also gives his example. When he lived in Brussels, in wintertime, there was no electricity until 9 a.m. So he used to play with his son because his son always woke up at 4. This created a special bond between them.

For his son, he knew his dad the best, and for the author, he knew his son the best. Although there were no deep conversations between them in the process because his son didn’t know how to talk, the accompaniment led them to know each other so well that it created a special bond.

How can you incorporate accompaniment into your life?

• Dedicate specific times to engage in activities with your loved ones. Whether it’s playing a game, cooking a meal, or going for a walk, the key is to be fully present.
• Use play as a tool to connect. Play doesn’t just mean games; it can be any fun, light-hearted activity that allows you to bond without the pressure of conversation.
• Establish regular activities or traditions that you can look forward to and that bring you together.
• Take the time to observe and appreciate the small details about your loved ones. This will help you understand them better and strengthen your bond.

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Chapter 4: What Is a Person?

To understand a person, we need to examine his/ her way of seeing the world and how he/she perceives things. Once we do this, not only does our perspective widen and deepen, but we also learn more about the person.

As therapist Irvin Yalom puts it, a person is a point of view himself. When she asked her patients to write a summary of each therapy session, they wrote it according to their point of view, and as a result, everyone’s summary turned out to be different.

The science behind everyone’s different summary of responses is that when you listen or see something, your brain starts to process it with the information it already has. It starts to question and apply these questions to the scene.

It can also use experiences and ask itself, “ Last time I was in this situation, what was my response strategy?” etc. When your experiences were different, then obviously, your perspective would also be different.

Chapter 6: Good talks

Good talks come in many ways. But to understand it, we have to learn about good conversations and good conversationalists.

If you think that a good conversation and a good conversationalist are someone who makes a series of statements, then you’re absolutely wrong. Instead, that’s a bad one.

A good conversation helps you establish good relations, which in turn helps you get to know people better because without hearing anyone, you can’t know anyone. Many factors will help you determine how much better you are at listening to somebody and will also help you become a better one.

#1. Treat Attention As An On/Off Switch, Not A Dimmer.

This means that if you are talking to a person, he/she should be paying full attention to you or not at all because if their attention is diverted, you might feel ignored, and it might also seem like you’re babbling with the air.

So either tell them to give their full attention to you or not at all. When somebody doesn’t talk to you at all, it saves you the embarrassment of looking like a person who talks to the air. Also, by adopting this method, you can get 100% attention from the person you are talking to and give 100% to the one who is talking to you.

#2 Be A Loud Listener Instead Of A Loudspeaker

In a world dominated by noise, the art of listening has become a rare gem. We often find ourselves caught in the echo chamber of our own thoughts, eager to share our opinions without truly hearing the other person. It’s time to flip the script.

#3 Favor familiarity

When you talk to someone, you try not to discuss something that is new or unfamiliar to that person. That makes that person feel inferior, and eventually, they will lose interest in you.

So talk about something familiar to them. You might think that talking about something that has already happened will make the conversation boring, but think about it: Why do you talk to your friend about the video game you’ve already played or the bicycle you just bought?

If you have the answer to the question above, then you will understand the concept better.

#4 Make Them authors, Not Witnesses

When you ask them questions related to the topic they are discussing, you are making them authors, not just witnesses to the event.

This will also make them think that you are genuinely interested in their conversation. When you ask questions about the possible deepest details of the event, you’ve already embarked on the journey to understand them better.

#5 Don’t Fear the Pause

It implies that you don’t get fearful of the awkward silence that will follow if the other person, or you stop talking during a conversation. 

Taking a break is actually considered good in Japan, since it gives everyone involved in the conversation some time to process the information and come up with a great solution or response.

#6 Do the Looping

Psychologists refer to “looping” as the practice of repeating what someone has just said to ensure you have accurately understood their message.

Conversation experts recommend this technique because people often believe they are clearer than they actually are.

Repeating what the person just said reduces the chances of miscommunication and will prevent further misunderstandings.

While effective, excessive looping can sound unnatural. A more casual approach, like paraphrasing, can achieve similar results without sounding overly formal. Ultimately, the goal is actively listening and showing genuine interest in the other person’s perspective.

Imagine a friend says, “Work has been overwhelming lately.” Instead of assuming you know what they mean, you might respond, “It sounds like your job has been really stressful recently. Is that right?. This gives them a chance to clarify or expand on their statement, perhaps saying, “Actually, it’s not just the workload but also the lack of support from my team

#7 The Midwife Model

In conversations where one person faces a significant challenge or decision, the other person might take on a supportive role like a midwife.

A midwife is there to open up and expose you, prod you to the hard reality of life, and force you to listen to yourself.

#8 Keep The Gem Statement In The Center

A gem statement is a positive statement that can resolve an argument.

For example, if you are fighting with your brother, you could state some of his qualities in the statement, such as, “Even when we can’t agree on Dad’s medical care, I’ve never doubted your good intentions. I know we both want the best for him.”

#9 Find The Disagreement Under The Disagreement

When you find the disagreement under the disagreement, you mutually agree on the root of your disagreement.

When in a disagreement, instead of focusing solely on repeating your perspective, explore the underlying values or beliefs driving the disagreement. This approach seeks to uncover the deeper reasons behind each person’s stance, often rooted in moral or philosophical differences.

Suppose you and a friend disagree on gun regulations. Instead of repeatedly arguing about specific policies, consider exploring why you hold different views. One person might value individual freedoms highly, while the other prioritizes public safety. These foundational values influence the practical opinions you each hold. Or, someone from a rural area might have different experiences and beliefs about guns compared to someone from a city.

#10 Don’t Be a Topper

It simply means that when somebody is talking about themselves, don’t interrupt them to talk about yourself. It makes them feel that you are not interested in their talk and that you think that your life is more fascinating than theirs.

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Chapter 7: The Right Questions

The right questions touch on the core. If you’re specifically talking about business, get to the core, start from the basics, and go as deep as possible when asking questions.

When asking questions, be as curious as a kid. When we were kids, we asked blunt questions, but as we grew up, we began to withdraw from asking deep core questions because we became more self-conscious and started thinking about what others would think about us.

When asking questions, start from the simplest question, such as, what is your life story? But there are some worse types of questions out there, too! They are judgmental questions, like asking someone what their salary is. It is like saying in the face of the person that I will judge you.

Part 2: I See You In Your Struggles

Chapter 8: The Epidemic of Blindness

We were never taught as kids about moral formation, which is about inclining our hearts to care for people, helping them find a purpose in their lives, and having some social and emotional skills to develop—emotions like kindness and generosity from within.

Because we lack these emotions today, most of us face loneliness and the sense of being ignored and not understood.

That is the reason for the increase in the rate of suicides, mass killings, crimes, and many more. They do this to get attention, which they were not given when they were alive.

For instance, take the example of Tom Junod, who wanted to commit a mass killing but couldn’t because at the right time, he was arrested. When interviewed, he said that he only wanted attention and also said that if someone had told him not to do this crime, he would have broken down and given up.

Chapter 9: Hard Conversations

These types of conversations transcend the differences of caste, creed, race, gender, etc., and talk to the person in the eye.

You should perceive every person as a never-to-be-repeated person. A hard conversation may happen between people from different tribes and clans. It is hard because it starts off with suspicion, resentment, hatred, etc., and you are not letting your guard off. 

But before starting a difficult conversation, there are some things to keep in mind, like the situation in which you are starting the conversation, the place, the environment, the difference between you and the person, and many more.

There are also two distinct categories of difficult conversations: official and actual.

• An official conversation is when you talk with a person with only one topic in mind.
• On the other hand, an actual conversation includes a diverse range of topics that slide smoothly from one topic to another.

Chapter 10: How Do You Serve A Friend Who Is In Despair? 

Peter Marks, the author’s late friend, was very enthusiastic from the beginning. It seemed like sadness wouldn’t bother him, that he’d be happy forever.

Even after growing up, he had a happy family with his wife and two sons, and most of all, he had his dearest friend, the author. But as his death came nearer, a stillness came over his face. It was not the case of being aged, but it was a clear case of depression. 

He even confessed to the author three years before his death that even though he is doing everything normally as he used to do in his childhood, like playing basketball or swimming but can’t feel any pleasure. But finally, in April in 2022, he took his life by suicide.

Later, the author learned that when a person is going through a situation like this, a friend’s job is to acknowledge the reality or seriousness of the situation, hear them, respect them, love them, and show them that you are not walking away from them or haven’t given up on them instead of advising them or cheering them.

This is because these methods won’t work in a depressing situation like that.

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Chapter 11: The Art of Empathy

Empathy is also an art because not many people can learn it. They sometimes fail to read emotions, interpret them incorrectly, and respond to them incorrectly. That is why the author says that empathy is also an art.

He provides many examples and explains that empathy also has some degrees.

For example, a person who doesn’t have empathy or basically has empathy, which can be rated 0 on a scale of 1-6, can murder a person without having remorse or a feeling of guilt. And it goes up to the degree of 6, which is the highest.

Many factors also contribute to the extent of a person’s degree of empathy, which may be due to the things they suffered in the past, like-

1. Being avoided in the past by parents or peers.
2. Deprivation
3. Overactivity
4. Passive aggression

Chapter 12: How Were You Shaped By Your Sufferings?

This question determines what type of person you are in the present. You can either allow your suffering to shape you positively or negatively.

When a survey was done on what people might have experienced in the past, such as train bombings or other terrorist attacks, 46% said that their lives were changed for the worse, and 43% reported that they were changed for the good.

To know a person, you have to go beyond the person’s transformation and the event that transformed them and made them what they are today. And that’s what Maya Angelou puts it,

“The more you know of your history, the more liberated you are.”

When you share your stories with others and interpret them when they say theirs, you both create a new reality and new future.

It is like building a stone wall from your sufferings instead of standing on the scattered stones around you. It is better to make those stones, i.e., suffering your strength instead of your weakness.

Part 3: I See You With Your Strengths

Chapter 13: Personality: What Energy Do You Bring Into The Room?

Whatever energy or personality you bring into your house is up to you, but remember to test their compatibility with you to maintain a healthy relationship with them in the long run.

You can test them using these big five personality traits.

First, Extroversion

These types of people are highly excited and have lots of energy and enthusiasm. They are always seeking adventure and pleasure without thinking about the result or punishment. 

But they also have some flaws. For example, they have short temperaments and are always risking their lives, and many studies have found that they are more prone to road accidents and may end up saving less for their retirement. They can also easily get into the destructive habits of drinking and smoking.

The second Trait is Conscientiousness.

These types of people are really good at managing things, and you would want to make them your managers if you own a company.

They are also good at controlling their anger. They’re disciplined, organized, and determined. And they can’t be easily distracted. Some disadvantages are that these types of people feel more guilty over things, are less adaptive, and are workaholics and obsessives.

The third Trait is Neuroticism.

Neuroticism basically means that they are more inclined toward pessimistic feelings like fear, anxiety, shame, disgust, and sadness. Even though they might seem to be the type of person who shouldn’t be befriended, at times, they can be really helpful.

For example, if your community is in danger, you can have someone who can spot it early on. You can also have someone who is not overconfident, and if there is a need for change in your society, you will have people who will support that decision. 

The Fourth Trait is Agreeableness. 

These types of people get along with others quickly; they are compassionate, helpful, kind, considerate, cooperative, trusted, and good-natured rather than short-tempered, rude, vengeful, with a stone heart.

The Fifth And Final Personality Trait Is Openness

Many of you would link with agreeableness, but they are both different. Agreeableness specifies a person’s relationship with another person, while openness refers to the person’s link with information.

Openness tends to be innovative, imaginative, and associative and gives different and unique answers than others.

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Chapter 14: Life Tasks

There are four main tasks in your life that you need to complete. Although they are indirectly related to personality traits, we can do those tasks if we still try to adopt them.

The First Task Is The Imperial Task

It requires us to establish our own sense of living in the world, to create our own identity. But sometimes the people in this task may seem self-centered because, at some point, they really start to think about themself that they are paramount and their desires are also.

They can become really competitive, their desires for attention and praise grow, and their craving for favorable judgment from others also increases.

The Second Task Is The Interpersonal Task

We grow a desire to fit in instead of showing up and looking unique. People associated with this task tend to experience the world through the eyes of other people; they are good at understanding other people.

They can feel other people’s experiences and see humanity as a whole.For example, if a problem arises in your society, then they see it as their own problem and start to resolve it.

The Third Task Career Consolidation

It is about finding your true passion in a particular field of work or your ikigai and making a difference in the world. People in this task are driven by a sense of perfectionism or mastery in something. They really want to be good at something. They can experience more self-control over themselves as they go deeper into it. 

They can go against the crowd if needed and say no to something that is distracting them from their main goal. But during this phase, they may seem driven by their ego. But it is not a problem at all, as George Vaillant puts it: “Only when developmental ‘selfishness’ has been achieved are we reliably capable of giving the self away.”

The Fourth Task Is The Generative Task

It encourages us to become people who can be of service to other people, but on the other hand, it can also cause that person to fall into a loop of stagnation.

Like in parenthood, people learn to love in a giving way, and after some time, they adopt the gift of logic and how they can give to the world.

Chapter 15: Life Stories

They are a way to tell and recount memories about ups and downs. They are the golden key to knowing a person, to make them feel that they are heard and cared for.

They make you experience the experiences of others, which in turn makes you more experienced. If you don’t know how to tell your story, then you don’t know who you are. You don’t have a stable identity unless you know how to weave the events of your life together to form a meaningful story.

Having a story encourages you to face present pains more bravely because you know that these pains will make you a stronger character in your story and will reap sweet future benefits.

Now, the author tells us about psychologist Jerome Bruner’s research, in which he differentiates between two different types of modes of thinking: paradigmatic mode and narrative mode.

• We mostly think in a paradigmatic mode, which involves analyzing and assessing data and presenting our hypotheses(in other words, our opinions).
• But in a narrative mode of thinking, we get personal. We think in a narrative mode and tell our life stories, all about the little influences that shaped our lives and the events that took place.

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Chapter 16: How Do Your Ancestors Show Up In Your Life?

This chapter is about how our ancestors’ values, experiences, and way of life shape us. This is what we call intergenerational transmission.

It is actually about passing down traits, behavior and memories down the lineage. And that’s why the author encourages us to look deeper into our family history to know more about our personalities and choices in the present.

To make it more interesting, you can hear your family history in the form of a story from your parents or elders, so that you can hear the challenges and obstacles faced by them and how they overcame them. This will also activate the narrative modes in your family members, making your talks with them more personal.

But there’s also a disadvantage to the influence of your ancestors on you. It’s because many of their traits will also be transmitted to you. If these traits are resilience and work ethic, then it is good, but if they are anger issues, anxiety, and other problems, then it can be harmful to you.

Chapter 17: What is Wisdom?

Wisdom goes beyond knowledge and intelligence. It is about living your life in a way that is also about feelings, not just mere IQ. Anyone can become intelligent with continued practice and patience, but no one can become wise easily.

Wisdom not only helps you solve problems in a difficult situation but also helps you remain calm in that situation.

Wisdom clears your vision so that you can assess your situation and see from the other person’s perspective. This helps you get to know them better.

But how can you become wise in the first place? These are a few things that may help you become wise in the future:

• You may meditate and journal to reflect on your behavior and analyze how much improvement you need to make in the present to have a better future.
• Listening to someone carefully and considering what they said will help you to broaden your perspective.
• Thinking before executing a plan instead of acting hurriedly will help you to make wise decisions.